No child left behind

This just in :

So boys and girls, why don’t you sit down and make yourselves comfortables while Auntie Sassy can tells you a story?

(Story begins)

Once upon a time in a land far far away, a land called France, lived a girl named Sassy with her handsome frog prince Manboy.

Kidlet raises hand : “Auntie Sassy? What is France?”

Good question. France, my dear child, is not a ‘what’, but rather a ‘where’, because France is a country, a member of the European Economic Community (EEC). It is a place like no other, where neither republicans nor democrats exist, a place where people cut their trees into wonderfully grotesque shapes and eat snails from their own gardens. You see, the French, they’re not like us. 

 Kidlet raises hand again : But Auntie Sassy, if France is not a ‘what’ but it is a ‘where’, then where is France?

Another good question. France is, let me see how I can explain it to you… hmm, you see Japan? Well you could take that direction and keep going until you get there but it would probably be better just to go the other direction.

Kidlet : Huh?

You’re getting sidetracked my child. Please shut up for a minute so that Auntie Sassy can tell you her story. So as I was saying, once upon a time and yada yada yada, well that once upon a time just happened to be, my little darling, this morning. So once upon a time this morning in a land -

Kidlet : What land?

FRANCE ! Now be a nice little one and don’t make Auntie Sassy repeat herself again because you know how much it gets on her nerves.

Once upon a time FOR THE LAST TIME the girl named Sassy was scheduled to undergo a raunchy fertility test that she wasn’t able to complete the first time she attempted to do it.

Now the frog prince Manboy understood what a nervous wreck Sassy was aboout having this test done. But the sinister Mandoctor gynecologist repugnantly insisted that it must be done if Sassy and her Manboy were to be artificially inseminated, apparently their only hope of having a kidlet of their very own.

Kidlet : Auntie Sassy? What does ‘in-sin-um-in-er-a-ted’ mean? Is that what they did to my gramma when she died? Are you going to die Auntie Sassy?

Ask me when you’re older, kiddo. No, egads, I’m not going to die. Now shut up and listen like I told you to.

Auntie Sassy was saying that the sinister evil Mandoctor told Sassy that she could go no farther and that he would see her no more until this test had been done. So after a night out with Manboy and his office colleagues, incidentally being treated to a dinner for a queen which she ate like a starved gourmet piglet, and dancing until 4a.m. Sassy, feeling still a bit woozy from the mix of wine and emotion, dragged her sloppy bedhead to the local hospital where the test was scheduled to take place.

Manboy, stoicly sensitive in his eternal supportiveness, took a half day off work to accompany Sassy. He came partly to hold her hand and worry about her like a good husband should, partly to make sure that she actually went through the test this time, and partly to drive her home afterwards, as the evil Mandoctor in a streak of compassion had prescribed some heavy dope action to help Sassy make it through the test. This meant that she would not be able to drive herself home.

Sassy preferred to do the test with no meds, thinking it would be okay, she’d just take a mental chill pill and get on with it.

Shortly after deciding not to take the drugs, Sassyfound herself naked on a cold metal table.

The nurse responded kindly to Sassy’s comment about feeling like she was about to become a Roswell experiment by suggesting to Sassy that she take the meds as being doped-up would help her to relax and that the exam would be less painful. Sassy took the nurse’s advice and felt better about getting high since it was a medical professional that was encouraging her to do it.

The nurse then gave Sassy a paper dress to cover herself with. Sassy was grateful for her gentle kindness. Then Sassy lay, drugged and alone as the nurse exited, instructing her to relax. It was hard to relax, even with the drugs, as her naked arse pressed against the cold metal. Sassy felt silly being barefoot, never quite knowing what to do when instructed by a doctor to strip down. Should she keep her shoes on or take them off? She had taken them off but now they made her shiver as they also touched the cold metal. Not quite knowing what to do, Sassy stuck her two feet up in the air, which made her feel a bit ridiculous, laying their groggy eyed and drugged after three hours of sleep on a cold metal table covered only by green a paper gown. She put her feet back down.

The nurse returned, and with her a mandoctor, who explained to Sassy the process of the test. He explained to her that it may hurt a little, or a lot, and why. He made a joke and Sassy was glad that he seemed quite professional yet otherwise a silly man and this put Sassy at ease, or maybe it was the drugs. Sassy closed her eyes as the test began and a single nervous tear ran down one side of her cheek.

Sassy, who has a low pain threshold, especially does not like pain while having speculums and whatnot jabbed into her. The doctor was as kind as possible, but kindness could not have altered the suffering she felt, and her uterus was -

Kidlet : What’s a uterus ?

As I was saying, her uterus was suction cupped into a sort of vacuum and a catheter was placed inside it. The worst was the injections of liquid, which caused Sassy to moan and shake when she was being told to not breathe and relax. The test was underway, and the pain was great, as Sassy had feared. The silly mandoctor made more jokes to help Sassy relax, and she appreciated his intentions, she smiled, but she was crying, and a few times had to scream. It came in waves, gripping, seizing, each time the liquid was injected, and then the mandoctor made Sassy turn to her side, which was difficult. He took more pictures with his X-ray and he injected more of the excruciating liquid. Now on the the other side, which was more painful than the first and Sassy had a hard time moving due to the suffering and the speculum still intact. How much longer? She was told that the test was nearly over, just five more minutes. She did not know if she could handle five more minutes, but she kept silent, eyes closed, her face wet with tears making the paper underneath her stick to it. 

After the exam, she shyly returned to the waiting room. She giggled nervously as she described the test to Manboy and its being tantamount to techniques she had read about being used against ‘heretics’ during the Spanish Inquisition. Sassy noticed her Manboy was very, very white and asked him if he was okay. He said no, that he had been sick with worry for Sassy, so sick that he had gone to the restroom and vomited.

THE END