10 things not to say to your infertile friend:

1. “Take a vacation.”

If I was going to get pregnant from taking a vacation, I think I’d have quite a large family by now. I live in France, we have FIVE WEEKS of vacation a year. And let me tell you, we have had some quite pleasurable attempts at baby-making on many, many of said vacations.

2. “Relax, just stop thinking about it.”

Does a doctor tell a patient with a hernia or heart problems or cancer to stop thinking about it? I think not. Infertility is no different from any other medical conditions, there is usually a medical explanation.

3. “Why don’t you just adopt?”

‘Just’ adopting doesn’t exist. Adoption is a long and difficult process. There are many reasons why infertile couples don’t ‘just’ adopt. In our own experience, we did actually begin adoption proceedings, but after hearing the truth about how difficult it is here in France, decided that at this time adopting isn’t for us.

‘Just’ adopting in France takes from five to seven years, and less than five percent of the couples that begin the adoption process actually have a child in the end. Oh, and in case you think we ere just being too picky, let me clarify that in our initial paperwork we did not ask for a newborn and we are completely open to foreign adoption. We agreed to accept several children from the same family and that the oldest could be up to nine years old.

Adoption is also very expensive, and with an under five percent success rate, we decided that our chances of having a child before I am forty were better with IVF.

When people ask me why I don’t ‘just’ adopt, I’m often tempted these days to ask them why they don’t.

4. “I knew a couple who had given up trying to have a baby and just after filing for adoption, the woman got pregnant!”

It seems like every ignorant non-infertile knows this couple, who magically got pregnant after filling out adoption paperwork. I would like to know, is there a special formula? Should I pay the filing fee as well and look through the catalogs of children waiting for homes? Will that help me trick my body more effectively? Maybe I can spin around in circles while standing on my head and do a rain dance as well.

5. “You’re still young honey, you have time.”

Infertility knows no age.

At twenty nine, I went off the pill, my gynecologist told me after a year of trying to conceive that we had time. After the second year I was pregnant, then had a miscarriage, which he took as proof that ‘everything as working’ and told me we had time. At thirty one, two years after the miscarriage and four years after going off the pill he finally let me be tested.

I’ll never forget the day he sat me down in his office and explained to me that I had high FSH and what that meant. ‘Diminished ovarian reserve’ – he told us that I was very lucky to have been pregnant once and that we had no time to lose. This was the first time someone compared my ovaries to a woman over forty. I felt shocked, betrayed. Everyone had said we were ’so young’. We were young, my ovaries were not.

During this last IVF cycle, we learned that my right ovary is going into menopause. I’m thirty three.

6. “Just don’t be another Octomom!”

I have received this comment more times than I care to admit since ‘coming out’ about the fact that we are going the IVF route.

It makes me cringe every time.

The classic Octomom comment is not only ignorant and inappropriate, it shuts down all communication between myself and the person who makes it. I don’t see how I could open up all the difficulty and depth that comes with doing IVF to someone who is willing to make such an inane comparison before understanding what we are going through. Comparing a regular person who seeks IVF to Nadya Suleman is like comparing someone who is having marital problems to the girl sleeping with her step-father that you saw on the Jerry Springer Show.

7. “Why don’t you just do IVF?”

Many infertiles do not go the IVF route, for various reasons. Again ‘just’ doing IVF is like ‘just’ adopting. It doesn’t exist. IVF is a long, arduous procedure. It taxes a woman’s body as well as her emotions in a way only someone undergoing it can understand. It puts strain on your marriage, it is very expensive, often not covered by health insurance, and there is no guarantee on the outcome.

Many people have ethical concerns about the procedure, when it comes to embryo creation and freezing, and what to do with the little guys when you don’t need them any more. It is something every couple undergoing the procedure has to think about, and some do not feel comfortable with the grayness of such questions.

Doing IVF or not doing IVF is such adifficult and personal choice, and is not something taken lightly.

8. “IVF is immoral.”

If a couple has decided to pursue in-vitro fertilization, they have likely worked through the gray area of questions and do not need blanket statements condemning their choice. Often these kind of statements arise from ignorance about the actual procedure, not to mention statements from the pope/pulpit about embryo wastage and how assisted procreation technology “violates human dignity” and that IVF is wrong because it “separates human procreation from the conjugal union.”‘

There are so many things I could say about this, and other opinions that have been formed on IVF from a religious standpoint, but it really deserves it’s own post. Half of my family is Catholic, and most of the others are Evangelical. Needless to say, we have had some very hurtful comments from people who really were just trying to help. I’ve had every Bible verse you can imagine quoted at me, in order to steer us from our deviation off the ‘narrow path’.

I have often asked for prayer, and while most people respond that they are, and they will, and that they are hoping and believing with us, there always is that one person that rather than supporting, uses the opportunity to preach at us.

The first person I told about losing our tiniest of pregnancies after our first cycle of IVF told me that he ‘hadn’t felt led’ to pray for us, and losing the pregnancy was, for him, confirmation that what we were doing was not immoral.

Another loved one, when hearing that w are planning to try again in the fall, told me I should pray about it, stating that, “If the Lord doesn’t build the house we labor in vain.” This person, whom I dearly love, had recently lost her husband to cancer. I wonder how she would have felt is someone quoted that same verse to her concerning she and her husband’s decision to pursue chemotherapy? Out of love, I did not ask her and calmly changed the subject.

If a loved one has decided to pursue IVF, why not try to understand the procedure rather than blindly condemning it?

9.”My husband just looks at me and I get pregnant!”

Oh, thank you for the side of salt to go with my wounds, how thoughtful! Why don’t you tell me how you were on the pill or breastfeeding and they just kept coming? Would you like me to plan your baby shower (on the anniversary of my miscarriage) while we’re on the subject?

10.“God has a plan. Trust Him.”

Along the lines of the whole ‘God’ argument, this would be a whole other post as well, with a side of philosophy, theology and apologetics.

God has a plan. OK, so I know this kid, a teenager, who grew up in Rwanda and saw his parents shot before his eyes just before being kidnapped by a rebel army that turned him into a killer.

“God has a plan.”

What? Did God’s plan involve this child becoming an orphaned murderer against his own will? Does ‘God’s plan’ involve babies dying and people starting and my bank account being in the red and my failed right ovary and high FSH?

Being a believer doesn’t mean you have to be so stupid. God may have a plan but their are environmental and medical factors causing infertility, and it is more and more common. Would you tell someone dying of AIDS that “God has a plan”? Do you mean to say that God gave them AIDS?

I have a new slogan: “God has a plan; shit happens.”

Of course, this list is not exhaustive. Here’s a game – what are some things people have said to YOU other infertiles that should be added?

For the non-infertiles reading this, are their things about infertility and those going through it that you would like help better understanding? If so, then what?

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